The big news at our shop this week was the pause in the work of those in DC who write regulations on flush toilets. You may not know them by their names, but you know them by their work. They’re the ones who took us from pre-1980’s models that released a glorious gusher of 7 gallons per flush, to a trickle of 1.28-gallons-plus-a-plunger-nearby today. I hope you can curb your disappointment that this shutdown will likely postpone the introduction of new, high-sustainability models that operate only on human spit.
But given this pause in the action, your humble correspondent thought I might perform a public service by setting-up a temporary makeshift Bureau of Toilet Statistics. And, I’ve fully staffed this “think tank” with TWO – me and AI. So let’s get to work, producing reports in the public interest.
The first question will be addressed to AI. “Exactly how many people in the federal government spend their time regulating flush toilets?” The answer according to AI is:
“It is impossible to provide an exact number of federal employees involved in regulating flush toilets. The work is spread across different agencies and roles, and no federal agency has a simple metric to track it. An accurate count would require individually identifying and contacting dozens or even hundreds of personnel to ask how much of their job involves this specific task. The federal agencies involved in toilet regulation include: 1) The Department of Energy (DOE), responsible for establishing and enforcing national water conservation standards for flush volumes through the Energy Policy and Conservation Act (EPCA). This involves engineers, analysts, and support staff who work on test procedures, compliance certification, and potential amendments to existing rules; 2) The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) through its voluntary WaterSense program, which sets specifications for high-efficiency toilets (HETs) that use 1.28 gallons per flush or less—a higher standard than the federal maximum. EPA staff manage this program, which includes developing performance criteria, certifying products, and coordinating with manufacturers; and 3) While the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) does not regulate the toilets themselves, it does enforce sanitation standards that require employers to provide and maintain sanitary and accessible toilet facilities for employees.”
Wow, did that make me feel dumb! And here I thought the number of government employees required to regulate flush toilets was probably one less than the number required to change a light bulb.
So clearly I’ve been greatly underestimating the consequences of toilets having too many gallons per flush. So let’s plunge into the data to get a handle on this by directing a question at both this old handyman and AI. “If federal regulators take no further action, and every drop of flushed toilet water can never be reused, how long will it be until we run out of water to flush our toilets?”
– Vol of H2O on Earth = 3.7^20 gallons
– Vol of H2O in a toilet = 1.28 gallons
– # of people with flush toilets = 4.6 billion
– # of flushes per person per year = 2,190
– Total vol flushed H2O per year = 12.9 trillion
– # years left of flushes = 29 million years
Look, I’m just a handyman, so what do I know? But even if there’s concern about running out of water to flush toilets in 29 million years, I would hope by then there’d be a way to wirelessly transmit our waste directly from our bodies to some distant galaxy far, far away. Is that too much to ask?
OK, the temporary Bureau of Toilet Statistics has time for one more question before we take our government union-mandated coffee break. The question is: “Given the pitiful amount of water allowed in today’s toilets, is there one toilet in particular you would recommend that requires plunging less often than the others?”
Well, I’ve got to be careful here because I don’t want to offend any of the lobbyists from Big Toilet who have been so helpful to me. So, let’s just say this is an EXAMPLE based upon what Fix St Louis customers tell me, not that I actually pulled-up a chair next to them, watching to verify their claims. But I do hear a lot about the Kohler Revolution 360, which seems to be the best technology offered by a respected brand. And not that everyone is into this kinda thing, but it also does provide an entertaining swirling feature when you’re back on your feet, looking back, down, and in.
Ya know, I think I forgot to mention that these lower water capacities have also meant that flushing mechanisms fail more often, creating a regular need for folks to call Fix St Louis. And while I appreciate those contributions to my mortgage and my kids’ educations, as a public servant I would have traded all that for our customers to have toilets that worked well. But until performance becomes a priority of the regulators, we hope you will give Fix St Louis a call!
Dr Steve