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Was your bathroom remodeled by extraterrestrials?

To be honest, your humble correspondent doesn’t have time to follow the news. But every once in a while, I’ll lift my head above the rim of the toilet and hear things from TVs in the background that get my attention.

Like this week, I overheard that someone testified under oath in front of Mexico’s Congress, that the remains of extraterrestrials had been discovered in Peru. So I’m thinking, big deal – scientists regularly find all kinds of tiny, indistinguishable particles, run them through high-tech tests, then make dubious claims that they came from places like ancient civilizations or outer space. But this time, the fellow who testified actually BROUGHT THE RECEIPTS – completely preserved extraterrestrial corpses! And they looked just like Hollywood TOLD US they would!

As always, the media rounded-up the usual suspects for comment. Biologists to discuss DNA, chemists on compounds found, theologians to pontificate on our place in the universe. Also as usual, they never got around to calling a handyman like me.

But that’s a shame, because this old handyman has important questions to raise about these extraterrestrials. Like, what did their bathrooms look like? Because based upon the many bathrooms I have had the pleasure to explore, I believe Fix St Louis actually sees evidence of prior extraterrestrial life REGULARLY. Now, we don’t make a big deal about it, write dissertations, accept awards, or appear as talking heads on TV. We just fix the problems caused by some remodelers who MUST have come from outer space.

Toilets that are too short
The extraterrestrials in the news reports seemed kinda short, so presumably would need shorter toilets. Possibly like the ones in YOUR house. Have you ever wondered why you can’t seem to get into the “driver’s seat” without doing a brief, muscle-holding aerobic exercise, before that last couple of inches when you go down with a “thud”? Or why it feels like you need a grab bar just to get up. Maybe previous generations had stronger thigh muscles from doing chores on the farm, but you should be using today’s modern, higher toilets, sometimes referred to as “tall” or “comfort height.” And the ultimate in comfort is calling Fix St Louis to have us install them.

Bathroom countertops that are too short
Just like kitchen countertops, bathroom countertops are used when you are STANDING-UP. So unless you are an extraterrestrial or a child, your bathroom vanity should be 36” tall. If you happen to have a bathroom countertop that is less than 36” tall, chances are there’s a place beneath it to push in a chair. That’s because it was meant to be a makeup/cosmetic table, used when you are SITTING, so should be 30” tall or less. If you’d rather have that shorter cabinet serve as a regular countertop to use when standing-up, and also reappropriate the extra chair space beneath if for drawers and cabinets, call Fix St Louis to replace that cabinet.

Distant toilet paper holders
Extraterrestrials are usually portrayed with unusually long arms. They wouldn’t have a problem reaching for a toilet paper holder mounted on the wall you’re facing. But, unless you enjoy adding extra squat thrusts to your exercise routine, or have fond memories of standing and sitting repeatedly to sing hymns on Sundays, you might want to let Fix St Louis move your toilet paper holder to a side wall or cabinet. We’ll also repair whatever damage is exposed on that wall.

To tell you the truth, we at Fix St Louis are so busy fixing your houses, I’m not sure we’d even notice if extraterrestrials invaded until we had trouble finding homeowners after our repairs were completed, So maybe this is more your problem than ours. In any event, we doubt that extraterrestrials would be any more interested in handymen than is the media. Thankfully, those like you are interested in living in homes that work for you.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis