Imagine it’s your moment. Ready? Go!
“Ladies and gentlemen. Your humble correspondent has the high privilege and distinct honor of introducing the homeowner at 24 WestEast SunnyShady PineMapleOak TreeRockLeaf LaneCourt!”
You walk up to the podium. Then you realize there’s no teleprompter. You freeze.
That’s strange, because you KNOW there are several things not quite right about your house. But, since you can never figure out who to call to fix these problems, they remain not quite right. So you try not to think about them, you live with them, and you kinda DO forget about them. Almost. But they live rent-free in your head as a mild irritation.
Like that pantry door that’s fallen off-track. That process started when you couldn’t figure out who in the world would fix something like that. A carpenter? Slipping into Family Feud Bonus Round mode, you wonder how many carpenters you can name. Geppetto? [BUZZ] Jesus? [BUZZ] Karen? [BUZZ, Steve Harvey snickers].
Let’s start by enumerating your home’s issues, by area of concern, using the model perfected by our own federal government in the annual State of the Union address.
Enemies of the State — Domestic and Foreign
Sadly, there are bad actors both inside and outside your home who continuously work to damage it. On the outside there are squirrels, raccoons, termites, woodpeckers, and other non-Spanish speaking pests who misinterpret the phrase “Mi Casa Su Casa” (my house is your house) to mean just the opposite. Then of course there is “friendly fire” from dogs and teens. Call Fix St Louis to restore the recurring damage all of them do.
Children are the Future
You know, the politicians are always talking about doing things for the children, that children are our future. Blah, blah, blah. While their motives are usually questionable when they talk like that, when it comes to home repairs it is complete rubbish.
If you have done your job as a parent well, and are not unlucky, the future of little Sally’s bedroom is a guest bedroom. And between now and then, the butterflies and puppies in the wallpaper won’t age well when she comes home one day with tattoos, purple hair, and a nose ring. By all means, keep up with the broken doors, damage to the walls, and malfunctioning outlets, switches, ceiling fans, and light fixtures. But you might want to save some of that decorating money for the bling-bling rooms in your house, like the kitchen and bathrooms. In any event, Fix St Louis will be there for you all the way, even when your kids return with THEIR kids as guests.
Build the Wall, Tear Down that Wall, Patch the Wall
If you put your mind to it, I bet you can think of several places in your home that need drywall repair. Look behind every door knob that has no door stop. Notice angled settlement cracks coming from the top corners of your doors. The rooms where your kids play — the walls probably have dents, chips, and scratch marks. Ceilings often have cracks in straight lines along the seams where two sheets of drywall come together. Call the magicians at Fix St Louis. We make drywall damage disappear.
The Small Honey-Do Administration
If you have a list of honey-do’s that never seems to get any shorter, it’s probably also a list of things honey can’t, won’t, or would rather not do. Don’t let those items become the closest thing to eternal life we’ll ever see this side of heaven. Turn the work over to the professional honey do-ers at Fix St Louis. No nagging required.
Who knows? If you demonstrate to your family that you’re in charge of the state of your home, and that everything will be fixed in time, they may even stand-up and applaud you at the dinner table. Then stand-up, applaud, and sit down over and over again. OK, maybe there’s a limit to what we can learn from the practices of the federal government. But the good news is that, with Fix St Louis, you NEVER have to stumble over the question of who can fix things to keep the state of your street address strong.
Dr Steve