If you women out there had questions about a romantic relationship, your first instinct would not be to seek the advice of your humble correspondent. And, if you learned your significant other was shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift at Home Depot instead of, let’s say, Neiman Marcus, I’d bet you’d be disappointed. If not, mortified.
But hear me out. We at Fix St Louis spend a lot of time in your homes. And while we are not nosy, and firmly adhere to the principle that what we see at Fix St Louis stays in Fix St Louis, we can’t help but pick-up the small things people do that drive their partners crazy.
So in the interests of making a small contribution to the love lives of our customers, we’ve put together a small list of home-improving Valentine’s Day gifts that might at least smooth-out some of the rough spots that can get in the way of passion. However, a word of caution. If you do not present flowers at the SAME time as delivering the gift, results may vary.
No Slam Toilet Seat
It may be too much to expect the average man to remember to put the toilet seat back down, or to grab it and gently lower it all the way down so that it hits the rim without making a sound. And it’s only the very BEST men who put it down at all, while the rest leave females vulnerable to being swallowed-up by the toilet in a dark bathroom.
Fortunately, science has developed a seat that, with a flick of the wrist, no matter how hard, will close itself fully and silently. Fix St Louis can install these for you, finally bringing peace on this issue that has plagued male-female relationships for millennia.
First World High Toilets
No, it’s not you. If you think the trip down to the toilet seat accelerates at the end and finishes with an awkward bump, and the trip back up seems too difficult, you probably have one of those old toilets that is not as tall as the current ones. Maybe that old one is fine for the people you see on National Geographic specials who seem to live their lives in squatting positions, but we Americans have not developed the necessary muscles for that. Let Fix St Louis lift you up where you belong.
Pop-Up Stoppers
You know that stem behind your bathroom faucet you pull up so that your drain plug goes down, then push down so that the plug goes up? Raise your hand if yours actually works. Well, you’re one of the lucky ones because, for many homeowners, the water still drains out when they pull the stem up, or the stem is sticking too far up to work because it’s been pulled too much.
And if you think it’s odd for an upward motion of the stem to lead to a downward motion of the plug, wait’ll you see the Rube Goldberg contraption beneath that sink that makes that happen, and all the things you might need to adjust perfectly for the simple operation of plugging the drain. No, on the other hand, don’t do that. Call Fix St Louis and let our mechanical engineering geniuses fix it for you.
Doors that Click Shut
Do you have any doors that don’t quite close all the way? So that when you try to close them you don’t hear that last, reassuring “click” of the latch. Look, we at Fix St Louis have no interest in knowing what you are doing behind that bedroom door, but your kids might. So, save your intimate moments and also the privacy of your bathrooms by having Fix St Louis fix those doors. Challenge question: Can you name ANY other company you would call who would do that job for you? Didn’t think so.
Well, that’s all I got. If you need to know more about romance you shouldn’t really be listening to a fake doctor, anyway. Maybe a real doctor, like Doctor Drew. He IS a real doctor, isn’t he? In any event, at least here I followed the first principle of medicine, which is to do no harm. That is, unless you forget the accompanying flowers.
Dr Steve
Fix St Louis