Yeah, I know all of you are now thinking about the Super Bowl. But as your dedicated and humble correspondent, I feel morally obligated to avoid this distraction, and keep my head fully immersed in a MUCH more important bowl, the toilet bowl. And there were some encouraging and startling developments on this front last week.
You see, I believe we are now entering a once-in-a-century period in which we will be REIMAGINING THE TOILET! Yes, it will be an unprecedented opportunity to think “outside the bowl”!
For some historical perspective, most of you were not around then, but when I was a wee little handy-boy, President John F Kennedy, Jr. on May 25, 1961 announced to a joint session of Congress that we were going to send a man to the moon by the end of that decade.
Astonishingly, we actually DID pull that off even though once we got there, like a chasing dog finally catching-up to a car, we didn’t know what to do with it – and apparently still don’t. Nevertheless, it was all worth it, because we continue to reap the benefits of the technology this space program spawned.
Fast-forward to January 20, 2025. The White House just issued an Executive Order with a goal that reads as follows: “to safeguard the American people’s freedom to choose from a variety of goods and appliances, including but not limited to lightbulbs, dishwashers, … TOILETS [emphasis added], and shower heads, and to promote market competition and innovation within the manufacturing and appliance industries.”
It may not seem obvious, but I know EXACTLY what this means. As an American with freedom to choose, and I feel safe to assume I am speaking for ALL of us here, I choose a return to toilets that only need to be flushed ONCE, and where EACH ONE will not need to be accessorized by a nearby toilet plunger!
We didn’t always have crappy toilets. At the time JFK announced we were going to the Moon, toilets had up to 7 gallons of capacity – enough to easily flush down just about anything that came out of your body, possibly including some minor organs, and large objects like toys and ashtrays that kids would toss in.
But since the early 1990’s, Congress decided to make our business their business, and has mandated lower water capacities, so that toilets today now can only use 1.28 gallons per flush. You almost have to wonder if these control freaks won’t be happy until our homes will only be allowed to have one enormous, family-size, kitty litter box.
Someone smarter than me needs to explain why Congress felt a need to limit water in our toilets in the first place. Because if they had asked me, which nobody ever does, I would have told them that with 71% of the earth’s surface being water, and ocean waves pounding on our coasts 24/7, if there were a scarce resource it would be LAND and NOT WATER — and we ought to be more concerned about the extinction of the useful, soil-creating earthworm than this tiny Delta Smelt that doesn’t even make a good appetizer when served with cheese on a cracker.
But now that the science seems to have become “un-settled”, I’m going to propose that the free and Communist nations engage in a sequel to the “Space Race.” One that may be a lot more useful and, as a bonus, is less likely to spawn technology that might lead to thermo-nuclear war.
Let’s have a competition for the first nation to successfully flush a BABY DIAPER down a toilet. Yes, I realize I’m going big here. Let’s jump right past paper towels, toilet wipes, or even feminine hygiene products. I know I’m a dreamer, but hopefully I’m not the only one.
But, until that glorious day comes, I’m predicting there will be good news coming for YOU in the next year. I suspect that executives from “Big Toilet” (Kohler, American Standard, etc.) are now seated in board rooms, and standing around toilets in bathrooms, discussing how soon they can introduce super-gushing, geyser-quality models, that can handle just about anything your family can throw at them, and that will turn toilet plungers into quaint antique collectibles.
And when they do introduce these models, we will let you know as soon as WE know. Until then, you know who to call when your Congressionally-mandated, water-challenged toilet breaks. Fix St Louis!
Dr Steve
Fix St Louis