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‘Fake News’ from Handymen: A Homeowner’s Guide

If anyone in the national media is guilty of producing “fake news”, I swear they must have learned it from the handyman industry. Fact of the matter is, my industry is so good at spreading falsehoods, we don’t even show-up on those Internet lists of least trusted professionals – even though by speaking to all of you, I KNOW handymen must be ranked somewhere between Members of Congress and OJ Simpson.

So as a public service, let me shine the light of truth on some of the drivel and balderdash you may hear from handymen, so you are better prepared in the future, should you make the questionable decision to hire anybody other than Fix St Louis.

I need to take a few days off to attend an uncle’s funeral

This usually means one of two things. Either your handyman would rather spend his time at a job more important to him than yours, or you will never see him again. It NEVER means he had an uncle who, like, died, or that he even ever HAD an uncle. Best advice is to immediately put yourself in a position where you won’t feel ripped-off if he never returns, which you probably wouldn’t want him to do anyway.

I’ll need full payment in advance (alt. I need some more money to buy supplies)

No handyman should receive full payment, or excessive advance payments, until the job is completely done – it’s unnecessary and removes all incentives to complete the job fully, properly, and quickly. On the other hand, it is appropriate to make a partial, advance payment so that your handyman doesn’t need to go out-of-pocket on needed materials and to confirm your commitment so he can reserve the manpower needed. Be sure payment requirements are understood in advance, and don’t let yourself be talked out of them after work begins.

I broke into my ex-girlfriend’s apartment when she wouldn’t return my TV

You won’t hear this song-and-dance unless you ask a handyman why he has a felony conviction on his record, which is something we at Fix St Louis actually HAVE done. I couldn’t imagine why an ex-girlfriend’s revenge-of-choice would be to hold onto her ex-boyfriend’s TV, so I was skeptical the 1st time I heard this story, and a whole lot more skeptical when I heard this story REPEATED by 3 MORE candidates as a way to dance around their felony convictions. You start out by thinking, “sure, who WOULDN’T break into their ex-girlfriend’s apartment to retrieve their misappropriated TV” and end-up “hey, wait a minute! NO ONE would do this.” We spare our customers the trouble of handyman interrogation by running our own criminal background checks, and by not hiring convicted felons nor giving them access to your family and personal possessions. We wish these folks well, but we also know ourselves well – we’re in the handyman business, not the redemption business.

No job is too small

Unless you are talking to Fix St Louis, you can assume whenever a handyman tells you ‘no job is too small’ it is fake news. EVERYONE BUT US secretly wants BIG jobs, not small ones. So if you DO have a small job, you are likely to hear suggestions to make it bigger, though it will not be said exactly that way. Instead you will hear things like “That [blank] can’t be repaired, you need a new one” or “yeah, your [blank] is broken but you really need to replace all your [blanks]” or “the cost of doing that will be [3x what it should cost] in the hope that you would either be foolish enough to pay that amount or just reject it outright.

So, what is NOT fake news? You can start with our headline, “One Stop Shopping for Professional Home Repairs.” With Fix St Louis, at least there’s SOMEBODY in the handyman business who tells it like it is.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis