It might not surprise you that this old handyman was never much into Hollywood nor the Oscars. But what IS surprising is that in the last week, maybe for the first time in my lifetime, I found myself at the forefront of a societal trend, as many of you joined me in my annual tradition of NOT watching the Oscars.
To be fair, I never believed Hollywood was ever all that interested in my tastes, either. For instance, the only movies that ever feature power tools are horror movies. And actors’ lives have never been about being good with their hands, but more about being good with their facial muscles to mimic emotions, and occasionally to cry on demand. Honestly, I do not believe I have EVER seen a handyman cry, nor would I ever hope to. And earning applause means nothing to me — I’d rather listen to a suddenly-perfect toilet flushing cycle than have our customers clap their hands together to signal their approval.
Nevertheless, the loss of yet another iconic American institution always feels like a loss, especially one that claims to celebrate excellence.
Well, Fix St Louis does stuff that’s important to people, and we work in an area where excellence is definitely a thing. So I hope you will indulge me if we try to make one small contribution to fill the void left in America by the decline of Hollywood and the Oscars.
Close your eyes and imagine we’re wearing tuxedos and gowns instead of our distinctive green logoed uniforms, we arrive in Fix St Louis graphic-wrapped cargo vans instead of limousines, and we divvy-out coveted golden bowl statues shaped like you-know-whats known as “Johnnies.” OK, maybe not. Guess Hollywood is a lot better at this than handymen — or at least they were until this week. But in any event, here are the winners for 2021:
Best Supporting Floor Surface
This year we salute vinyl plank flooring as the top floor surface. Vinyl technology has greatly advanced the appearance of plastic-based flooring, moving it from “you-gotta-be-kidding” to “I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-hardwood” level. It’s waterproof — perfect for kitchens and bathrooms — so you won’t have to repair or replace it every time there is a periodic unfortunate water event. And installation is relatively inexpensive, particularly relative to ceramic tile and hardwood — it just snaps together.
Top Performance by a Countertop
For bathroom vanity countertops, you can’t top a surface called “Onyx”, which is a brand name. Onyx is the new cultured marble. It looks great — harder and shinier. It won’t chip. It comes in lots of colors — well, not all the colors in a rainbow, but any that you would consider “sane” for a bathroom that did not belong to a Hollywood diva. And the Onyx folks do great stuff with integrating sinks as part of the same one-piece countertop, including all kinds of shapes and mimicking an under-mount white sink under a stone-colored countertop.
Yes, there are you purists out there who will always want granite with under-mount sinks, but for the rest us whose fate did not lead us to outrageously lucrative careers, or did not inherit a trust fund from someone who did something like invent Onyx, it’s a great alternative that has many advantages.
Incidentally, Onyx must have a good agent, who did not want the product to be typecast into the single role of countertop. So be sure to consider using Onyx on the other fixtures in your bathroom to match the countertop — including shower surrounds, shower bases, cosmetic tables, front panels for whirlpool tubs, and platforms for drop-in tubs. Fix St Louis can install all of these.
Best Fan of Home Repairs
This year’s award goes to the perpetually unnoticed, unused, and unheralded whole house fan. Thankfully, these awards give Fix St Louis the opportunity to ensure this nominee is not snubbed once again.
We’re talking about that big square metal thing on your hallway ceiling, covered by louvers. Now, turn it on. Hahaha! Just kidding. Pardon me for a little handyman humor there. Bet most of you haven’t used it in so long, if ever, that it WON’T turn on. Call Fix St Louis to fix or replace it if that’s the case.
But, let’s say it actually works. When you turn it on, the louvers open up to expose a big ugly fan if you look from below, and you will hear and feel a loud “whoosh.” Now open a screened window and feel that fresh, cool outside air streaming through your house and out through that fan as an alternative to stuffiness or turning on the air conditioning. In fact, it’s the perfect alternative to air conditioning on those summer nights when the outside air is usually 72 degrees or below. NOTE: As always, not recommended for those whose outside air happens to be in Sauget, IL.
Well, let’s leave it at that. We at Fix St Louis don’t want to make the same mistakes Hollywood made in killing-off the Oscars by having the show go on for too long, or having award winners lecture or berate the audience on subjects that go beyond their knowledge base of how to manipulate facial muscles to mimic emotions.
So, why not give Fix St Louis an opportunity to use our celebrated expertise on your glamorous estate, whether it is in Ballwin or Bel Air. Come to think of it, Bel Air is outside our service area. Their loss.
Fix St Louis is the professional alternative to hiring “Chuck in a Truck” or “Pete in a Pick-up”. Our technicians have at least 10 years of experience, are bonded, insured, and show up at firm, scheduled times. We provide full customer service and guarantee our work for a year!