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Super (Toilet) Bowls 2024 Pre-Game Coverage

Since we’re now in — what? — week 6 of ceaseless pre-game Super Bowl coverage, you probably now know everything there is to know about Sunday’s game. So I thought Fix St Louis would provide an interlude to tell you about “Super Toilet Bowls” that might have a MUCH GREATER impact on your happiness and well-being, not just on Super Bowl Sunday, but EVERY day, throughout the year.

A Toilet with All the Bells & Whistles (literally)
Most folks might not be able to tell the difference between SPENDING $13,000 on a toilet and FLUSHING $13,000 down a toilet. But for those who can appreciate the fine distinction — those for whom having too much money is seen as a burden — Kohler has the answer.

Introducing the NUMI 2.0 toilet that has the following pioneering, leading edge features (you might want to sit down for this). This is a toilet that anticipates your arrival, and lifts the toilet seat when you approach. It also LOWERS the lid all by itself after a man has finished his business, forever solving women’s biggest and most enduring complaint about men. Wait, let me take that back. Because it also has an “aiming light” inside the bowl to improve a man’s “marksmanship,” if you know what I mean.

But I’m just getting started. It has both a seat warmer AND a foot warmer. It has voice control, music with speakers, and a light display. It has retractable, water-squirting bidet-type wands that thoroughly clean BOTH — well, let’s just leave it at that. Except that you can control water pressure, temperature, oscillations, and pulsations. It has a “pre-rinse”, a powerful and entertaining “post-rinse”, and a deodorizer. Not to mention a built-in dryer. It has a remote control, although better minds will have to explain to me how a toilet can be used from a remote location.

Kohler apparently sees the future of toilet-try as providing a safe space you’ll never want to leave, not even during an emergency evacuation. A bargain at $13,000, some might say.

A Toilet that Lifts you Up Where you Belong
Flipping through old issues of National Geographic, it’s easy to slip into ugly feelings of excessive pride in the accomplishments of Western civilization. It might seem like we SIT, while the rest of the world SQUATS. Thankfully, there’s the infrequently-told story about how the rest of the world’s economies have risen rapidly in recent decades, with hope that someday we will all be operating on the same level playing field.

Even still, we have not yet reached the pinnacle of toilet heights — ones that are comfortable for folks with bad knees, bad backs, and general mobility issues. In many older homes, there are toilets that are unusually low to the ground. These homes are often occupied by older folks who have lived there for a long time, and are not even aware of it. But the toilet trend is clearly upward, and you’ll now see terms like “tall height”, “chair height”, and “comfort height” on signs in Home Depot aisles.

While the bowl height of standard toilets typically falls in the 15-17″ range, lately Fix St Louis has been installing units that come in at a towering 20″! Makes it a great gift for the seniors in your life! (Well, maybe that’s just me — frankly, I’ve never been that great at picking gifts).

A Must-Have Accessory for the Ups and Downs of Bathroom Life
Given the difficulty a lot of folks have getting down, then back up again, from toilets, it would seem like a grab bar next to one would be a pretty good idea, right? But many toilets are not properly situated for a wall-mounted grab bar. They might not be right up against a wall or there may not be enough room away from the wall, or they’re next to a bathroom vanity, or there’s a shower or tub on the other side, etc.

Fortunately, there’s a type of grab bar that works in pretty much any situation. Have you ever watched a pole dancer? Whoops! Well, neither have I. But I’m told these performers operate from vertical bars that are attached to the floor and ceiling. Fix St Louis has installed similar things for our customers, too, mostly next to toilets and the entrances to showers.

In case you’re wondering, these would not be the same ones pole dancers use. These “vertical grab bars” usually have some arms sticking out from the side to grab onto. But with all due respect, if you’re looking for help getting up from a toilet, you probably won’t be too tempted to try it for a dance.

Well, that about wraps up our pre-game Super Bowl coverage. And no, I do not know what types of toilets are used by Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, assuming they go to the bathroom at all. I’ll just sign-off by telling you that Fix St Louis can install a toilet in your home that is MUCH better than any seat in the game. And also less expensive, unless you buy that NUMI 2.0 toilet mentioned above.

So, call Fix St Louis. And oh, Go Chiefs!

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis