After watching the Democrat debate, in which candidate Andrew Yang promised every American $1,000 per month, I had trouble falling asleep. As I laid in bed awake, counting drips from a leaking bathtub spout instead of sheep, I imagined what it would be like if we handymen formed our own political party – I dunno, maybe called the “House Labor” party. And we ran our OWN candidate for president. Is this so crazy?
After all, who understands the American household better than a Fix St Louis handyman? Well, at least the part of the household that is LITERALLY the house. And, who LITERALLY acts more like a “servant,” us handymen or so-called “public servants”? And who LITERALLY bends over backwards to serve our fellow Americans, a politician or our guys tightening the cold water faucet under your kitchen sink?
I guess I’ve got to accept that we handymen just don’t have much clout. A politician can say a computer model has now predicted it’s gonna be a COUPLE OF DEGREES warmer a HUNDRED YEARS from now, and it’s met with the rending of garments and the gnashing of teeth. But when we handymen humbly advise that the average temperature in St Louis will drop by FORTY DEGREES in the next FOUR MONTHS, it’s met with a shrug.
So anyway, if you’ll humor me for a moment, let me present the climate change platform of the House Labor party for the next few months.
1. Whole House Fan
We’re now entering a season in which the outside nighttime temperature will be a comfortable 72 degrees or less. So wouldn’t it be nice if you could turn-off your air conditioner at night, and instead bring that COOL, CLEAN air into your house (no, obviously we’re not talking to you, our beloved customers in Sauget, Illinois).
Well, there’s actually an easy way to do this. Ever see on the hallway ceiling of a house, maybe your own, a large metal square with louvers? That’s a “whole house fan” (BTW, not an “attic fan,” but that’s for another time). When you open your windows and turn it on, cool air flows right into your house. Fix St Louis can install and replace whole house fans.
Have you ever seen that pink fuzzy stuff on the floor of your attic? If it’s less than 9″ deep anywhere in your attic, you need some more. Fix St Louis can handle that.
Can you see daylight around the sides or bottom of any of your outside doors? If light can get through, so can cold air. Fix St Louis can do a bunch of things to fix that. We can realign your door, which might also make it easier to open and close. We can replace the rubbery strips on the door frame sides, known as “weatherstripping.” We can adjust the threshold that sits beneath the door. And we can replace the rubbery strip attached to the bottom of the door, known as a “door sweep.”
Look, we at Fix St Louis are simply your humble servants. We’re not going to fine, use force, or imprison you if you DON’T do these things, unlike some other public servants we might mention. But if these small projects can help you adapt to the imminent climate change, and some nice young man named Andrew Yang says he’ll give you the money to pay for it, what’s not to like?