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A Handyman’s Guide to Surviving the Shutdown

With the government shutdown now underway, we all brace for the imminent catastrophe Washington claims is about to befall us. Accordingly, we the non-non-essential employees of Fix St Louis are stepping forward, and we pledge to do everything in our power to minimize the threat posed by the loss of 25% of our federal government.

Homeland Security

We will keep you safe by installing those cool new video doorbells, and repairing or replacing your smoke alarms, CO2 detectors, and entry door locksets. And, we will re-secure all those off-track doors and detaching shelves so that they don’t fall on the heads of your loved ones or fellow Americans.

Critical Infrastructure

We are here to ensure that the lumber that keeps your home from collapsing is replaced and braced as needed. This includes rotted deck posts that are sinking into the ground, front porch posts with deteriorated base trim and bottoms, bowing floor joists, water-damaged boards at the base of your walls, and termite-damaged boards that rest on your foundation walls. As one of our greatest Presidents once said, a house subsided will not stand.

Unauthorized Leaks

We will ruthlessly end all leaks in your house, whether arriving by air or “sea.” We at Fix St Louis can weatherstrip your doors to seal-off the outside air, and stop the water dripping from your sink/shower/tub faucets, down below in your sink cabinets, or from your outside faucets. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “a small leak will sink a great ship.” (He MUST have said that. I read it on the Internet).

Regulatory Control

Perhaps the greatest hardship of all will be the loss of the regulatory guidance we all need to live our day-to-day lives. Plastic straws will continue to be available. The march toward barely-operating toilets that require only a teaspoon of water to flush will be placed on hold. If your sink drains too slowly, it will not immediately be declared a wetland, so you may unsafely be continuing to use it. And you might find that the highly-regulated light bulb aisle at Home Depot will look EXACTLY the same if you visit the store twice in the same week.

Well, I gotta run. I need to find a temp agency to handle my diplomatic needs because the State Department is closed, and to handle my crony capitalism needs to fill-in for the Commerce Department. You know, if the nation’s suffering goes on too long, and the two parties can’t find the money to build the wall, Fix St Louis may just volunteer our OWN services. We build walls all the time.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis