Suddenly there’s all this news that we need to remove everything from our foods that isn’t natural. They say we shouldn’t be eating anything processed, artificial, or synthetic, and ESPECIALLY foods that contain PETROLEUM.
I have to admit, your humble correspondent must have been living in a cave all this time, because I never imagined that recipes in cookbooks have been calling for petroleum as an ingredient. On the other hand, I also don’t see why products classified as “unnatural” would include a substance that can just bubble-up from the ground all by itself, like in reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies.
So, I plan to just sit this one out, and let others do the arguing. Not that the food preparation community will miss my opinion, anyway, someone who spends half his waking hours with his hands touching toilets and plumbing.
But I do not intend to be “hands-off” if the focus of the federal government ever shifts from food preparation, something I know absolutely nothing about, to home repairs.
The truth is that processing, artificiality, and petroleum-infusion, if any of those are real terms, have made ALL of your homes a whole lot better, and promise to make them better still. Look, I’m not saying you should EAT the new, unnatural home repair and construction materials, that’s someone else’s gig. But let Fix St Louis install them, and your home will be more beautiful, safer, and last longer.
Here’s how Fix St Louis can make your home better and faker at the same time:
Decks: From Cedar to Pressurized Lumber & Composite
At first, decks were made from easily available wood, like pine, but the boards rotted quickly. Then, they were made from cedar, a less available and more expensive wood, which also rots, just more slowly. Now, if you want a wood deck that doesn’t need frequent replacement of rotted boards, you’ll want pressure-treated lumber, which is a natural wood (usually pine) processed in a very unnatural way. It is both cheaper and longer-lasting than cedar. Finally, if you want your deck boards to look beautiful, never require staining, and to last as long as the Cahokia mounds, you’ll want “composite” boards. Fix St Louis can handle all of your deck work.
Shower & Tub Walls: From Tile to Plastic & ONYX
The “natural” alternatives for waterproof shower and tub walls (aka “surrounds”) are ceramic or porcelain tiles (clay-based) and marble or granite (stone). But all of the best alternatives today make use of petroleum. There are plastic surrounds, which some think have a “cheap look” (although some feel high quality), have no grout to clean and maintain, and are ideal for kids’ bathrooms. And then there’s the material we always recommend, ONYX, an affordable material with a granite-type look, consisting of small pieces of rock held together in a petroleum-based medium, like quartz kitchen countertops. Fix St Louis can install whichever type of surround you want.
Flooring: From Hardwood to Laminate & Vinyl Plank
Hardwood floors can be beautiful, but there are two alternatives that may be more practical. More durable and less expensive laminate floors can look surprisingly like wood. On the top, they consist of a thin sheet of plastic, imprinted with an image. On the bottom is a filler made from inexpensive wood. But if you need a waterproof surface, as Fix St Louis would recommend for a basement or any room with a faucet, you’ll want something called “vinyl plank.” Same graphics technology used in laminate flooring, but the entire plank is waterproof.
Exterior Trim: From Wood to Composite
Most houses have a lot of white wood trim on the outside of the house, around doors, windows, and other places. But it requires ongoing maintenance, because it rots, fades, and can be damaged by animals. Let Fix St Louis replace damaged boards with composite material, and you can cross it off your maintenance list.
If you want to go all natural on what you put in your mouth, go right ahead. For all we care, you can go to your own backyard, grow crops, dress-up like Jed Clampett, and go “shootin’ at some food” – that’s your neighbor’s and the County’s business, not ours.
But be forewarned that if you want to go back to the days of log cabins, thatched roofs, and water wells, your favorite handyman service might become as useless to you as if you asked us for some help in the kitchen. Let Fix St Louis help improve your life using highly processed, artificial, unnatural, petroleum-based housing materials. Just don’t eat them.
Dr Steve